I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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