Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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