I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
