Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He felt like a one man threesome
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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