I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
