Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
