It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
