Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
