I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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