i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
