I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
