my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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