When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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