perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
