im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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