Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
