when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
