i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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