Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
