Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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