someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You can't motorboat a personality
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
