You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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