Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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