There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
