i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
