Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
