im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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