after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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