if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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