you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we're so committed to being not committed
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
