I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
