The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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