you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
