did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
