your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Randomize
