she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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