remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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