You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
