Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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