I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
