giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
