mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
