I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
