you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I faked an abortion last night.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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