he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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