This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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