Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
