I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize