1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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