Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
