So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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