No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
