He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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