I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
we're so committed to being not committed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
