Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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