made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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