upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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