I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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