Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
A+ Viking dick
We need to feng shui this bitch.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
