every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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